My Blog

Norwegian Wood

11:42 p.m.

I’m home. Finally.

It had been a long day, with the first of the highlights involving the longest drive of my life. I realized I still knew how to pray as I drove from our place to the nearest ATM , then to the nearest gasoline station to fuel up. Of course, I’m not so lucky. The closest ATM was out of cash, and it took me forever to remember that I still had P100 bucks in my bag to at least get me through the whole trip. I was already fronting Greenhills when it happened, just a few meters from the Caltex station and an ATM booth. By then, I had been driving for like 30 minutes and my fuel meter warning has lit up about a million times already. I had to give up rocking to good ol’ and dead Kurt Cobain, and turn off the aircon (stuff I learned from several Isuzu fuel economy runs I’ve joined.. whoopeedoo!) just to avoid the embarrassment of getting stuck in the middle of Ortigas Avenue with a dry tank.

Anyways, the fuel warning thingie lit up again just a few meters after I used up my last P100 but I was already too late for the office meeting to even bother filling up the tank again.

So there was an office meeting. Then another meeting with a former editor, who fed us lunch.. another whoopeedoo moment. Hahah!

Another downside came when my friend confronted me, though not with hostility, for allegedly forgetting his birthday. The thing is I really did not know he celebrated it yesterday. I don’t know which is more awful — forgetting your friend’s birthday, or not knowing it in the first place, considering how long you’ve known and worked with each other already. Either way, I’m really sorry (this is practically a public apology, so you should be able to forgive me already :D).

Oh drat! I’m munching on roasted peanuts and I just remembered I haven’t eaten dinner. I’ll get back on immortalizing my good Friday later..?

You Who Never Arrived
By Rainer Maria Rilke

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don’t even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me– the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house–, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,–
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, seperate, in the evening…

Wow. I have apparently scared some friends with my previous entry, which is really odd because I DID say that I don’t want to die yet, right? So there. I guess it was just a really awful KSP mode. Maybe I shouldn’t be up and thinking at 3 a.m. That’s like the best time to just space out or listen to music or think happy thoughts and start flying. Yeah.

I’m such a coward. I’ve got no balls, literally. And I’m hating myself at 3:40 a.m.

I want to hit the shower, get dressed and head for the office, which is really crazy. It’s like the only place I know which is familiar but would be deserted right now. And right now, I just want to be alone. But of course, I won’t do it. For one thing, I don’t think it’s legal to go to work at 4 or 5 a.m. Besides, I hate explaining personal reasons on why I’m doing such at a particular time. And since I’m planning to go to the office, everyone would think it’s official. It’s not. And it just won’t work.

**
I’ve been thinking about dying in a car crash lately. Not that I would  deliberately hit a wall or another car or something. I take pride in my driving skills and I don’t want people to think I’m road-stupid. It’s just that I can feel it happening one of these days. It’s not like my instincts are extraordinary. I just think it’s bound to happen. Imagine all the blood.. if I have any left, recalling the incident during the office medical exam when the stupid lab girl failed to extract anything from my arm, and wrist, for stupid pete’s sake!

Anyways.. yeah. A car crash. Maybe it would be real swift and easy and almost too sweet for me to enjoy. But what’s to enjoy when I’m dead?

I don’t really want to die yet. There’s so much drama in this crazy world and I want to be a part of it. I want to feel all the physical and emotional pain life has to offer. I’m the type who doesn’t quit until it hurts - not a very good attribute, as I can see now, but I can’t help it just yet. It’s a lot of fun. Doesn’t quite make sense.. but that’s how I’m seeing it, doing it, taking it, dealing with it.

I want to be flattered and shattered at the same time. I’m aware of my many unnecessary hang-ups, but I like carrying the burden anyway. Otherwise, what would be left for me to do? I’m so bored I want to kill myself. I don’t want to die yet, but I’m not sure I know how to live.

**