3:40 A.M.
I’m such a coward. I’ve got no balls, literally. And I’m hating myself at 3:40 a.m.
I want to hit the shower, get dressed and head for the office, which is really crazy. It’s like the only place I know which is familiar but would be deserted right now. And right now, I just want to be alone. But of course, I won’t do it. For one thing, I don’t think it’s legal to go to work at 4 or 5 a.m. Besides, I hate explaining personal reasons on why I’m doing such at a particular time. And since I’m planning to go to the office, everyone would think it’s official. It’s not. And it just won’t work.
**
I’ve been thinking about dying in a car crash lately. Not that I would deliberately hit a wall or another car or something. I take pride in my driving skills and I don’t want people to think I’m road-stupid. It’s just that I can feel it happening one of these days. It’s not like my instincts are extraordinary. I just think it’s bound to happen. Imagine all the blood.. if I have any left, recalling the incident during the office medical exam when the stupid lab girl failed to extract anything from my arm, and wrist, for stupid pete’s sake!
Anyways.. yeah. A car crash. Maybe it would be real swift and easy and almost too sweet for me to enjoy. But what’s to enjoy when I’m dead?
I don’t really want to die yet. There’s so much drama in this crazy world and I want to be a part of it. I want to feel all the physical and emotional pain life has to offer. I’m the type who doesn’t quit until it hurts - not a very good attribute, as I can see now, but I can’t help it just yet. It’s a lot of fun. Doesn’t quite make sense.. but that’s how I’m seeing it, doing it, taking it, dealing with it.
I want to be flattered and shattered at the same time. I’m aware of my many unnecessary hang-ups, but I like carrying the burden anyway. Otherwise, what would be left for me to do? I’m so bored I want to kill myself. I don’t want to die yet, but I’m not sure I know how to live.
**
